I Hate You.

Dear Journal,

I've never despised someone so much in my life that I can't even stand to talk to them for a few minutes.  The sight, the voice.. just the presence of that particular person seems like a pile - full of garbage in front of me.  All the fakery.  You thought you'd give them the benefit of the doubt that they were soft, gentle and "caring" but it was all just a sham because they talk shit behind your back.  They simply forget that without your help; they are plain useless to get shit done.

I guess these types of people will never understand the meaning of - compassion, or sympathy or kindness? That the job position that they hold in the company/firm as a *censored* (someone whom you call a 'leader') made it seem like they are to be treated like a King while they order you around like a slave and take every good credit out of you. 

I have no words.  I just feel so disappointed that I have to meet somebody like this creature.

-rambles-

Dark

Dear Journal,

I think I should tell you about my life.  I'm feeling very unhappy right now; to be honest - I feel like shit.  I'm at my happiest when I hear happy news from my family and friends.  But when I'm all alone in my room or in my space, I go into the darkness again. 

Nobody really knows what I'm going through.  It's not as bad as it seems.  I am grateful that I have a roof over my head.  I am grateful that I have a job.  I am grateful that I have people who love me for who I am.  I am grateful that I am alive.

However.  There are times where I wished that an apocalypse would happen and then I'd die from a natural tragedy.  With the Covid-19 virus going on in the World; I have gone too dark to hope that I would naturally catch it and then, I die.  It's very stupid of me to think like this but what if it was the answer; so I could end this misery that I'm going through.  I'm very negative, I don't know what's wrong with me.  So much for being grateful for things when all I could think of are dark thoughts.

I have so many problems I can't share 'em online.  The problems and secrets that I have are too deep; too dark - I can't say it in writing.  I am bottling up and compartmentalizing all my deepest, darkest fears and thoughts in me that sometimes it gets to me.  It hits me hard how there's this evil spirit within me telling me that life is bad.  I wonder whether I have been cursed to over-think and over-analyze everything that I do.  Will I ever be good enough in this life.  What is my purpose here really?

Maybe I'm just being dramatic.  Maybe I am not.  All I know is that I am not okay.  Something's not right with me.  Nobody can save me.  If I needed saving, I would have already reached out to someone.  That doesn't seem to be the case.  Perhaps, I need to save myself.  Stop all this nonsense; stop the thinking and do something.  People have told me to reach out to God as he is always with us.  Frankly, I feel like such a hypocrite to seek help from Him.  I've not been a good Christian; I've not been going to church like what I've been taught in Sunday School.

I feel like I'm so impure and unworthy to be helped by God.  He can obviously see me now.  He can see me typing away like a fool when He is waiting for me to pray to Him and seek help.  It doesn't kill me to pray.  I think I shall do so tonight.  I need to be closer to God.  I still believe in Him, no doubt. 

I gotta hold on for one more day.  Or more days to come.  I have to stop bull-shitting myself if I just sit here and do nothing.  I don't know what else to say.  I am my own worst enemy right now. Hating myself, hating my guts.  I just want the pain to go away and hope for a better day.

I'm not normal.

2020

Dear Journal,

I've been inactive in writing for over a year plus now.  Things have been pretty crazy busy in my life that I forgot about writing.  I wonder if anybody ever reads this online journal anyway.  It's the year 2020 and I gained so much of weight that it's not even funny anymore.  I'm young and full of hope / potential but I have become so lazy in terms of physical fitness that I just don't care to work out.  However, I looked at myself in the mirror today and had a self-reflection.  Is this the person I want to be? Some chubby 30-something year old lady who can't fit into her own clothes; that she is now wearing her mother's clothes to work, to events, to the mall - to anywhere.  It's not that my mother has a bad fashion taste, but all my fun-sexy play clothes are left hanging for no one to see and it's such a waste.  I told myself it's time to let go.  I will never fit into those sexy outfits again now that my body is growing and I'm adulting into the early 30s.  Goodbye beautiful trendy clothes, it's time to sell some shit online and hope that someone will find some happiness in them clothes.  Another woman's trash pre-loved items, are another woman's treasure.

Meanwhile, my job is taking its toll on me.  I don't think I'm cut out to be working behind a desk all day.  I feel like doing something else rather than staring at the computer and constantly doing paperwork.  Moreover, I am sick of dealing with pushy people who don't seem to understand that we need time to get proper shit done.  I am a human being and not a fucking machine.  Everything is always so bloody urgent that my life of getting work done, is like working in an emergency room.  The pressure hits me rock bottom.  I guess you can say I am a people pleaser.  In the end, I don't please myself.  So yeah, if you're reading this and you hate your job - cheers mate.  We work to pay bills.

I think I need to buy more lottery tickets.

Down

Dear blog,

I'm feeling so down at the moment.  I just don't know what's wrong with me today - it's as if I had a self-reflection and actually am realizing all the strange transitions in my life which are affecting me emotionally.  Am I really happy?

I'm only happy for that moment and then I start feeling like shit again once it's all over and I'm stuck alone.  I don't need to surround myself with people to feel happy - no.  I can be happy too, even when I'm alone.  Or can I?

Today I just don't feel like talking to anyone.  I feel too tired to reply to questions.  I hate being told what to do.  I just want to be away from everyone I know right now and stay at an isolated area.  I need a new environment.  Hence, I'm going to preoccupy myself by cleaning up the clutter in my life.

"Are you going to work today?" Dad asked.  "Yes Dad, I am." Silly me for wanting to go to work on a Sunday.  I don't really work that hard on the weekends, I'm just cleaning up and doing filing mostly.  Besides, I feel peaceful at my own space.  I feel suffocated and trapped at home where people want to talk to me.  I'm sorry, but I just don't feel like talking.  It's hard to explain this feeling.  I'm guessing depression is hitting me again.

The saga continues.

Working Gal

Dear Journal,

It's Sunday and I'm at the office.  The rain is heavy and this should be a good time to sleep actually.  But I'm here.  All alone listening to the beautiful sound of raindrops outside the window.  I love the peace and serenity of being alone.  I get to think clearly.

Anyway, my work never ends.  It's not that I do not know how to manage my time but every time I thought I'm almost reaching the finish line in my tasks - the Boss instructs a new task to me.  I have no choice but to give in because I am paid for that.

I'm not paid enough though.  I don't know why I'm so loyal to stay that long.  It has always been my principle to stick to a job for a long time because that's the type of person I am.  I get attached.  And then I know I will get hurt in the end.  Silly me.

-sighs- I should be compensated.  But then again,  I have 1 more month to go.  Brace myself.  I got this.

The Great Depression 2.0

Current Jam: 'All the Stars - Kendrick Lamar & SZA'

31^st July 2018.  That’s the date of my liberation.  I will be free from the prison that I have been staying in and slaving for over 2 years and 10 months.  I will break free from the golden handcuffs that bounded my poor mind, body and soul.  How I managed to survive those years, I have no idea.  Strong will and lots of cigarettes.  Maybe it’s the fact that I’m not rich.  I have no savings and I have a lot of bills to pay + my expenses.  I don’t ask money from the ‘rents no more ever since I started working.  I have no fixed financial support from anyone. Nobody needs to know about my financial problems. 

Perhaps most people think that I have it good in life because I’m all bubbly and all smiles.  Little did they know that I carry lots of heavy burden in me.  Too many obligations – too many hindrances.  It’s hard to talk to people about financial problems; it’s always an awkward topic.  Nobody wants to be caught up in the web of monetary problems with anyone.  But to those who have spoken to me about their financial constraints; hey – I get you, you are not alone.  I am here with you.  But unfortunately, I can’t help you.  I can’t even help myself. 

For those who have helped me in the past – thank you, I still am ever so grateful for your support during my darkest times.  You know who you are.

My style is to go with the flow for now.  I have no confirmed plans as to what I want to do to fend for myself after July but I know I’m going to be okay.  I am depressed and I have thought about death.  If I could just die, maybe all my problems will be gone and my family can claim insurance off me.  I have no future as of now.  I have yet to make any impact on life or anything.  People just like to depend on me for things and I am more than happy to help as I can’t help out with money obviously.

But I am tired.  I am tired of it all.  I need a break from all these family obligations, pressure from society to succeed in life or the fact that I’m getting older and I need to find a good man who will support me.  I basically rebel more at all these ideas.  I am done being a Personal Assistant to anyone.  I’ve been emotionally abused and taken advantage for my generosity; why should I dive into that same line again.  I know I know.  “NOT ALL BOSSES ARE THE SAME”.  Whatever it is, it will take me some time to trust again. 

Right now, I just don’t care if I worked as a cashier – a cleaner – a petrol pump attendant – a waitress or something.  I know it’s not fancy and I might be academically overqualified but I don’t give a damn.  I need money to survive. I just don’t want to tie myself again professionally to bosses who don’t appreciate me and my time.  Also, in general, people just need to stop judging and let someone be happy to work in whatever field.  Let that someone do what they think is okay and if it fails; there’s no need to address the situation – there’s no need to say, “I told you so.” Enough of that shit.  Nobody is perfect.

I have no one else to blame but myself in the end.  Because I could’ve done things differently earlier but I was too afraid and being too much of a worry-wart.  But people.  I hope you understand that I am going through a mild depression right now.  It’s something that you can’t see because only I am feeling it.  I am not on medication.  But I am doing unhealthy things in life that I’m not proud of.  I’m only hurting my brains and my heart. Eventually, if one day you find me dead…  Depression might be the answer.

Don’t worry about me.  I just need time away to work on my life.  Don’t feel as if I don’t want to be friends with you or I am being bitter about life and don’t wanna hang out and things like that.  I want to.  But I just probably don’t have the time or I don’t feel like it or I have no money.  I’m only human. 

Boil

The original soundtrack to my life at this point is Limp Bizkit's "Boiler".  Relating my life to all the people who have hurt me recently.

My ex-boss, DC.  This song is song for you.  You only care about yourself and the money you make from innocent people.  Playing dirty in your company and doing things illegally.  That's not how I roll.  You and me.  We have bad blood.

Speaking of blood.  To my own flesh and blood, born in '79.  This song is for you.  Like my ex-boss, DC, you are self-absorbed.  You only care about yourself and the money you make - you wish to take it to the grave with you rather than help your own family member.  It's not much to ask you for small favours but you take it personally and think that everyone is always using you for financial benefits.  What's wrong with you, woman.  Family help each other out when there is a crisis.  Your bank is filled with money enough to buy yourself a home but here you are still under your 'rents' roof and complaining about finance, when everything here is laid out for you - for free! You complain all the time - never see the brighter side of life.  You wish that you would die, you wish that you would move to another country, you wish a lot of things, sis, but you are not doing anything about it.  Why are you so bitter.  Why are you acting this way when you have people who want to love you - despite your 'special' traits.  I don't believe I have ever asked for a huge favour from you.  I'm terrified of you.  You are like a monster who screams when someone attempts to ask you something.  I'm sad that I have to write about you this way but you have changed.  You have changed me to be bitter too.  It's like poison.  Now I know why there is evil in this World.  It is addictive.  The more bad you do to people, it's like a chain reaction.  It is human nature.  I hate being this way sis but I am angry, just like you.  Had you been a better role model to me, I wouldn't be this bitchy.

--- I can't. Bye.