Dark

Dear Journal,

I think I should tell you about my life.  I'm feeling very unhappy right now; to be honest - I feel like shit.  I'm at my happiest when I hear happy news from my family and friends.  But when I'm all alone in my room or in my space, I go into the darkness again. 

Nobody really knows what I'm going through.  It's not as bad as it seems.  I am grateful that I have a roof over my head.  I am grateful that I have a job.  I am grateful that I have people who love me for who I am.  I am grateful that I am alive.

However.  There are times where I wished that an apocalypse would happen and then I'd die from a natural tragedy.  With the Covid-19 virus going on in the World; I have gone too dark to hope that I would naturally catch it and then, I die.  It's very stupid of me to think like this but what if it was the answer; so I could end this misery that I'm going through.  I'm very negative, I don't know what's wrong with me.  So much for being grateful for things when all I could think of are dark thoughts.

I have so many problems I can't share 'em online.  The problems and secrets that I have are too deep; too dark - I can't say it in writing.  I am bottling up and compartmentalizing all my deepest, darkest fears and thoughts in me that sometimes it gets to me.  It hits me hard how there's this evil spirit within me telling me that life is bad.  I wonder whether I have been cursed to over-think and over-analyze everything that I do.  Will I ever be good enough in this life.  What is my purpose here really?

Maybe I'm just being dramatic.  Maybe I am not.  All I know is that I am not okay.  Something's not right with me.  Nobody can save me.  If I needed saving, I would have already reached out to someone.  That doesn't seem to be the case.  Perhaps, I need to save myself.  Stop all this nonsense; stop the thinking and do something.  People have told me to reach out to God as he is always with us.  Frankly, I feel like such a hypocrite to seek help from Him.  I've not been a good Christian; I've not been going to church like what I've been taught in Sunday School.

I feel like I'm so impure and unworthy to be helped by God.  He can obviously see me now.  He can see me typing away like a fool when He is waiting for me to pray to Him and seek help.  It doesn't kill me to pray.  I think I shall do so tonight.  I need to be closer to God.  I still believe in Him, no doubt. 

I gotta hold on for one more day.  Or more days to come.  I have to stop bull-shitting myself if I just sit here and do nothing.  I don't know what else to say.  I am my own worst enemy right now. Hating myself, hating my guts.  I just want the pain to go away and hope for a better day.

I'm not normal.