I Hate You.

Dear Journal,

I've never despised someone so much in my life that I can't even stand to talk to them for a few minutes.  The sight, the voice.. just the presence of that particular person seems like a pile - full of garbage in front of me.  All the fakery.  You thought you'd give them the benefit of the doubt that they were soft, gentle and "caring" but it was all just a sham because they talk shit behind your back.  They simply forget that without your help; they are plain useless to get shit done.

I guess these types of people will never understand the meaning of - compassion, or sympathy or kindness? That the job position that they hold in the company/firm as a *censored* (someone whom you call a 'leader') made it seem like they are to be treated like a King while they order you around like a slave and take every good credit out of you. 

I have no words.  I just feel so disappointed that I have to meet somebody like this creature.

-rambles-

Dark

Dear Journal,

I think I should tell you about my life.  I'm feeling very unhappy right now; to be honest - I feel like shit.  I'm at my happiest when I hear happy news from my family and friends.  But when I'm all alone in my room or in my space, I go into the darkness again. 

Nobody really knows what I'm going through.  It's not as bad as it seems.  I am grateful that I have a roof over my head.  I am grateful that I have a job.  I am grateful that I have people who love me for who I am.  I am grateful that I am alive.

However.  There are times where I wished that an apocalypse would happen and then I'd die from a natural tragedy.  With the Covid-19 virus going on in the World; I have gone too dark to hope that I would naturally catch it and then, I die.  It's very stupid of me to think like this but what if it was the answer; so I could end this misery that I'm going through.  I'm very negative, I don't know what's wrong with me.  So much for being grateful for things when all I could think of are dark thoughts.

I have so many problems I can't share 'em online.  The problems and secrets that I have are too deep; too dark - I can't say it in writing.  I am bottling up and compartmentalizing all my deepest, darkest fears and thoughts in me that sometimes it gets to me.  It hits me hard how there's this evil spirit within me telling me that life is bad.  I wonder whether I have been cursed to over-think and over-analyze everything that I do.  Will I ever be good enough in this life.  What is my purpose here really?

Maybe I'm just being dramatic.  Maybe I am not.  All I know is that I am not okay.  Something's not right with me.  Nobody can save me.  If I needed saving, I would have already reached out to someone.  That doesn't seem to be the case.  Perhaps, I need to save myself.  Stop all this nonsense; stop the thinking and do something.  People have told me to reach out to God as he is always with us.  Frankly, I feel like such a hypocrite to seek help from Him.  I've not been a good Christian; I've not been going to church like what I've been taught in Sunday School.

I feel like I'm so impure and unworthy to be helped by God.  He can obviously see me now.  He can see me typing away like a fool when He is waiting for me to pray to Him and seek help.  It doesn't kill me to pray.  I think I shall do so tonight.  I need to be closer to God.  I still believe in Him, no doubt. 

I gotta hold on for one more day.  Or more days to come.  I have to stop bull-shitting myself if I just sit here and do nothing.  I don't know what else to say.  I am my own worst enemy right now. Hating myself, hating my guts.  I just want the pain to go away and hope for a better day.

I'm not normal.

2020

Dear Journal,

I've been inactive in writing for over a year plus now.  Things have been pretty crazy busy in my life that I forgot about writing.  I wonder if anybody ever reads this online journal anyway.  It's the year 2020 and I gained so much of weight that it's not even funny anymore.  I'm young and full of hope / potential but I have become so lazy in terms of physical fitness that I just don't care to work out.  However, I looked at myself in the mirror today and had a self-reflection.  Is this the person I want to be? Some chubby 30-something year old lady who can't fit into her own clothes; that she is now wearing her mother's clothes to work, to events, to the mall - to anywhere.  It's not that my mother has a bad fashion taste, but all my fun-sexy play clothes are left hanging for no one to see and it's such a waste.  I told myself it's time to let go.  I will never fit into those sexy outfits again now that my body is growing and I'm adulting into the early 30s.  Goodbye beautiful trendy clothes, it's time to sell some shit online and hope that someone will find some happiness in them clothes.  Another woman's trash pre-loved items, are another woman's treasure.

Meanwhile, my job is taking its toll on me.  I don't think I'm cut out to be working behind a desk all day.  I feel like doing something else rather than staring at the computer and constantly doing paperwork.  Moreover, I am sick of dealing with pushy people who don't seem to understand that we need time to get proper shit done.  I am a human being and not a fucking machine.  Everything is always so bloody urgent that my life of getting work done, is like working in an emergency room.  The pressure hits me rock bottom.  I guess you can say I am a people pleaser.  In the end, I don't please myself.  So yeah, if you're reading this and you hate your job - cheers mate.  We work to pay bills.

I think I need to buy more lottery tickets.