Working Gal

Dear Journal,

It's Sunday and I'm at the office.  The rain is heavy and this should be a good time to sleep actually.  But I'm here.  All alone listening to the beautiful sound of raindrops outside the window.  I love the peace and serenity of being alone.  I get to think clearly.

Anyway, my work never ends.  It's not that I do not know how to manage my time but every time I thought I'm almost reaching the finish line in my tasks - the Boss instructs a new task to me.  I have no choice but to give in because I am paid for that.

I'm not paid enough though.  I don't know why I'm so loyal to stay that long.  It has always been my principle to stick to a job for a long time because that's the type of person I am.  I get attached.  And then I know I will get hurt in the end.  Silly me.

-sighs- I should be compensated.  But then again,  I have 1 more month to go.  Brace myself.  I got this.

The Great Depression 2.0

Current Jam: 'All the Stars - Kendrick Lamar & SZA'

31^st July 2018.  That’s the date of my liberation.  I will be free from the prison that I have been staying in and slaving for over 2 years and 10 months.  I will break free from the golden handcuffs that bounded my poor mind, body and soul.  How I managed to survive those years, I have no idea.  Strong will and lots of cigarettes.  Maybe it’s the fact that I’m not rich.  I have no savings and I have a lot of bills to pay + my expenses.  I don’t ask money from the ‘rents no more ever since I started working.  I have no fixed financial support from anyone. Nobody needs to know about my financial problems. 

Perhaps most people think that I have it good in life because I’m all bubbly and all smiles.  Little did they know that I carry lots of heavy burden in me.  Too many obligations – too many hindrances.  It’s hard to talk to people about financial problems; it’s always an awkward topic.  Nobody wants to be caught up in the web of monetary problems with anyone.  But to those who have spoken to me about their financial constraints; hey – I get you, you are not alone.  I am here with you.  But unfortunately, I can’t help you.  I can’t even help myself. 

For those who have helped me in the past – thank you, I still am ever so grateful for your support during my darkest times.  You know who you are.

My style is to go with the flow for now.  I have no confirmed plans as to what I want to do to fend for myself after July but I know I’m going to be okay.  I am depressed and I have thought about death.  If I could just die, maybe all my problems will be gone and my family can claim insurance off me.  I have no future as of now.  I have yet to make any impact on life or anything.  People just like to depend on me for things and I am more than happy to help as I can’t help out with money obviously.

But I am tired.  I am tired of it all.  I need a break from all these family obligations, pressure from society to succeed in life or the fact that I’m getting older and I need to find a good man who will support me.  I basically rebel more at all these ideas.  I am done being a Personal Assistant to anyone.  I’ve been emotionally abused and taken advantage for my generosity; why should I dive into that same line again.  I know I know.  “NOT ALL BOSSES ARE THE SAME”.  Whatever it is, it will take me some time to trust again. 

Right now, I just don’t care if I worked as a cashier – a cleaner – a petrol pump attendant – a waitress or something.  I know it’s not fancy and I might be academically overqualified but I don’t give a damn.  I need money to survive. I just don’t want to tie myself again professionally to bosses who don’t appreciate me and my time.  Also, in general, people just need to stop judging and let someone be happy to work in whatever field.  Let that someone do what they think is okay and if it fails; there’s no need to address the situation – there’s no need to say, “I told you so.” Enough of that shit.  Nobody is perfect.

I have no one else to blame but myself in the end.  Because I could’ve done things differently earlier but I was too afraid and being too much of a worry-wart.  But people.  I hope you understand that I am going through a mild depression right now.  It’s something that you can’t see because only I am feeling it.  I am not on medication.  But I am doing unhealthy things in life that I’m not proud of.  I’m only hurting my brains and my heart. Eventually, if one day you find me dead…  Depression might be the answer.

Don’t worry about me.  I just need time away to work on my life.  Don’t feel as if I don’t want to be friends with you or I am being bitter about life and don’t wanna hang out and things like that.  I want to.  But I just probably don’t have the time or I don’t feel like it or I have no money.  I’m only human.